Top Five Odes to Big Booties

I need to get into a regularly scheduled groove for posting blogs. I figure this will be just like when I got into jogging., The only way to do it is to do it. To tie it in with jogging, last week my iPod shuffled in three songs in a 30-minute run that all focused on the glory of the gluteus. Seems like a great place to bring back Music Mondays! Some weeks I might give you a top five list, other weeks might focus on a particular artist or song style, but this week, what’s shakin’ is what’s shakin’. Yeeeeah.

This subject could be further refined, as there are many songs celebrating different types of butts and the athletic feats they’re capable of, but this list is about praising booties of all shapes and colors, as long as they’re big. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Without further ado:

5. Buddy Bolden’s Blues – Jelly Roll Morton
It’s considered one of the first known jazz tunes, and it’s not exactly praising the virtues of the butt, but we have to take the bad with the good. And hey, this rendition comes from Dr House himself, with some cool ragtime pimp talk at the end:

4. Big Bottom – Spinal Tap
Comical, sure, but it has its heart in the right place. I don’t know if this was the origin of phrases like “The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’…” and “wear me like a flesh tuxedo”, but it deserves its place in history.¬† This particular performance features every bass player in the known universe:

3. Big Ole Butt -LL Cool J
It was this or Mix-a-Lot, and LL wins by being first. This video contains everything that made the late 80s/early 90s the greatest time in music and fashion history. Seriously ladies, bring back dayglow green mini-dresses with three gigantic buttons on the ass, that’s a great look. Now that I’m an adult and can afford Kangol hats and track suits, nobody’s wearing them anymore. Cruel fate!

Anyway, enjoy this. There’s acting in it. If you weren’t around when music was on MTV you’re in for a treat – thought bubbles, cameramen with ADHD, needlessly pacing in front of a white background, a panther running around everywhere, come on son…. ¬†indulge yourself in this madness. Also, some of those butts ain’t that big.

My top two songs get it right for a very special reason – they treat the big booty like Holy Communion. Seriously, both of these songs are like going to church. I don’t think there’s been a song written about a narrow ass, and god willing, there won’t be. Huge choruses, thundering guitars, giving all glory and honor to the booty, forever and ever, amen.

2. I Like it – Foxy Shazam

1. Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen

And that’s the list. No ifs or ands, and way too much butt.

If you have a different way to sing the praises of booty, let me know – what are your favorite booty songs?

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