Category Archives: Uncategorized

Worst. Summer. Blockbuster. Ever!

On a good note, I discovered that one of our 7-11 stores has been chosen to get the Kwik-E-Mart Simpsons makeover. So, I’ll be on Venice Blvd. later this month to get some Squishees, Krusty-O’s, and visit with Apu or his reasonable stand in.

Now. On to the “fun”.

Adam and I went in for the midnight premiere of Transformers at the ArcLight theatre. The good news: They had cool cars from the movie parked outside, and I got a picture of the Optimus Prime truck. Things went downhill from there.

First preview: JJ Abrams is making some kind of monster movie, and had the best preview I’ve ever seen. A teen’s going away party is interrupted by an earthquake… or is it? We follow one teen, from his POV on his home movie camera, into the streets. Fireballs rain from the sky on the horizon. Suddenly, something crashed through a building and comes to a screeching, sickening halt in the street. You hear the crowd screaming…what is it? What is it? The camera pans over: It’s the head from the Statue of Liberty, roughly severed, rolling in the middle of the road… blackout. January 8, 2008.

We didn’t even get to see the NAME of the film. And it’s the only memorable thing of the night.

On to the show:

I have to say, I was never too excited to see Transformers as a movie. The concept, the more you think about it, makes absolutely no sense. I suppose the story could have been told in a way that made it important, wonderful, exciting. But this was the work of Michael Bay.

We open with the great onscreen legend:
Qatar – The Middle East – In case you didn’t know – because we know Americans know nothing about geopolitics…

Well, actually, they stopped after the Middle East part, but the subtext was there. Then, we got to meet one of the 38 human characters in the film that we’re supposed to care about. We spend roughly 8 seconds with any person in this film. It’s all explosions, then bad jokes, then more explosions. Yes, you will see a robot breakdance. You will see a robot pee on a human. You will see giant robots hiding from someone’s parents because…well, I suppose they didn’t want the kid to get into trouble.

What you won’t see: Coherent plot. Good dialogue. Sensible character choices. Decent improv. Cleanly shot action sequences. Things that make sense. Things that will stand out in your memory. Things worth your money.

There’s a throwaway romantic subplot, an evil secret-government agency subplot, a computer hackers try to save the world subplot, and on, and on, and on…

I see positive reviews on some feedback boards saying that haters are “thinking too much about the movie”, that the movie “is just stupid summer fun, about giant robots beating the crap out of each other” etc.

Action movies can be mindless fun and still deliver on plot and character (Commando, Predator, Robocop, Jurassic Park, hell, even American Ninja).

Transformers sucked. Plain and simple. Nothing worth remembering. Awful dialogue, bad jokes, even worse racial stereotypes, incoherent throughlines, hard-to-discern battles, shameless product placement. I challenge anyone to a debate: prove to me why Transformers was a good action movie. Show me why it made sense. Show me why they had a romantic subplot, why we needed to have the marines, the government, the hackers. Keep in mind that bald-faced plot devices are not good things. And, yeah, if it was supposed to be a movie about giant robots…why did we waste 90 minutes of it focusing on humans?

As a final spoiler, Optimus removes his helmet to reveal his true identity, and it is shocking:

shocking!

Summertime…

What’s the latest? School’s out! My mission this summer: Finish at least two screenplays an a spec script, and possibly one more book. I have a couple of follow up ideas for my other books, so we’ll see where things go. I’ve been savin gup money, and combined with webwork over the summer, I’ll have all my time free to write write write (and sneak a couple of Halo and Call of Duty games in). But writing is first and foremost this summer,. I ahven’t had an opportunity like this since grad school, and I’m not going to blow it. June 30th is the announce date for the Machine of Death contest, keep your fingers crossed for me. Print would be good, online would be fine, I just want to start getting my stuff out there.

I’ll be trying to keep a very structured calendar of days, so some mornings will be for finding contests andagents to query, and the rest of the time will be writing. And, as I seem to be on a video posting kick, here’s a super-entertaining teaser/trailer for an indie movie based on NES Punch-Out!!! This is great stuff from Team Awesome! You might not truly appreciate it if you haven’t played the game, as I did for most of my Junior High life. Ah, NES, we hardly knew ye. 8-bit will always trump 3D on the console of my heart…

Finally! The giant has been slain!

I finished building a massive new website (www.greattrainers.com)where PTs and gyms can list themselves in a directory. Whew! Happy to be through it and on to the next few projects. I’m almost done teaching for the year, and then it’s on to a summer of writing, writing,m and more writing! In the meantime, here’s an amazing bullet-time fight scene – LIVE onstage!

Sorry it’s been a while…

I know. It’s been forever. But there’s good news – I’m almost finished designing a HUGE website for a client, meaning I’ll be free to write again soon!

Also…
Jerry Falwell is dead! While this doesn’t make me happy (death rarely does) I am not saddened.

And Paris Hilton is going to jail! Wheeee (If there’s any justice).

I’m crying too. Tears of joy.

As usual…

Busy beyond belief here. There will be posts forthcoming involving Chuck Palahniuk readings, monkey boxer shorts, new websites, and other craziness. Until then, I leave you with this: I wrestled a grizzly bear. A real live grizzly bear. I lived to tell.
I am scratched!

I am bitten and brave!

Submission! I am victorious!

Has Yahoo learned nothing from the controversy?

So the Imus brouhaha resolved today. Personally, I think he’s a moron for saying what he did, but I also think one of two things needs to happen: 1) We hold ALL media personalities (rappers, talk show hosts, singers, pundits, etc) to the same rigid standard (loss of livelihood due to offensive remarks) OR…2) we stop being a nation of wussies. This is kind of ridiculous. Was he offensive? Yes. Who had the right to be offended? The basketball team in question (who, as Adam Carolla pointed out, probably learned who Don Imus was 5 minutes before their press conference). If Sharpton and Jackson really turn up the heat on Akon, 50 Cent, Tom Leykis, Rush Limbaugh, etc. over the next few weeks, I’ll believe they’re sincere in their cause. Otherwise, they’re media whores.

Having said all that…Which moron at Yahoo.com decided to choose THIS picture to put up about the story on the front page?

There’s a Little Rascals joke to be made here, but with the current climate of fear, I’ll leave it up to you.

No Avs in the playoffs…BUT…

Miracle on Ice for the new millennium! Islanders in the playoffs! How can this be? I am as happy as a little girl!

Wade Dubielewicz comes outta nowhere and boosts the Isles into the post-season! And their reward? The monster in the Northeast that is the Buffalo Sabres. Fine with me. Cause if the Isles can’t win it all, it’s high time that Buffalo does. It’s also high time that TV execs get hockey back on the air where people can actually see it (ie NOT on cable).

I know it’s unChristian to say it, but I’m happy that the Isles are getting by with help from…SATAN!

(pronounced sha-TAHN, but I won’t tell if you won’t)

ChimPod’s alive and well…

So it took me a little while to update – I been busy workin‘!

Anyway, new songs:
DJ Kool, just because I haven’t heard it since high school and it’s fun.
Boston – Tribute to our lost singer, Brad Delp. Why?
Butthole Surfers – My life is an avalanche at the moment (and hopefully this will boost the hockey Avs into the playoffs!)
And Iz. You can’t beat a 400+ pound Hawaiian singer. Just try it. Nope, can’t do it. Because he’s dead. But the music lives on, I tells ya!